Reopening the Case File on Modesty

Yep, I’m going there.

Inspired by Kaeley Triller Harms’ blog “Reasonable Modesty as Social Intelligence,” I decided to speak my piece and let the conversation flow where it may. And as usual, I want to invite us to a balanced, sensible, biblical perspective, supporting both freedom and principle.

It’s a group effort. Please help me build out this conversation. Hundreds of you are quietly reading my blogs, but few of you are commenting. Certainly, this issue will generate some conversation.

Full Disclosure

I’ve been around the block on the modesty issue. A child of the 70s, I saw the rise of miniskirts and hot pants. But I also saw how covered up things could get in a conservative ministry I entered just post-Christian conversion at 18 years old. So, I’ve probably been in more extreme places than most of us.

As a thought experiment, imagine a timelapse reel of my adult self, riding a bike. I begin on a 10-speed, shooting through a crowded street dressed in hot pants and a halter top. When the cat calls come, I indignantly yell “Shut up!” Now, go to slo-mo. I’ve had a religious conversion, and I change into a floor-length dress with pants underneath because wearing pants alone is forbidden in the ministry I belong to. Then imagine a loooooong road to today, where the reel ends with me riding in jeans and a t-shirt, and no one notices or cares.

My point is, I’ve run the gamut. And here’s my message.

To My Halter-Top Self:

Okay, so men shouldn’t yell objectifications. That’s true. But paring down the clothes on your young body has real consequences: The science suggests that nudity plus movement has a disinhibitory effect on male sexual arousal. In other words, riding a bike, dancing, or walking a beach with a lot of chest, rear, midriff, and thigh skin showing, could involuntarily arouse the men watching you. Do you want that for yourself?

You reply, “I can wear what I want! I’m free.” And this is true, except that while you are free to choose, you are not free to choose the consequences. And again, do you want those consequences? Do you want unholy men taking notice of you?

Unrealistic demands abound. Some even push back against men “bouncing their eyes,” an expression used to describe visual redirection of males trying to avoid lust. “It makes us feel disrespected,” they say, “Like he’s not looking at us as a whole person.”

Girl, if he must move his eyes away from your exposed parts, you may be the one presenting as less than a whole person. Plus, to deny men the right to put their eyes where they wish is entrapment.

Self-expression must be shaped to the concerns of sharing a public space. This is why we brush our teeth after eating garlic and use headphones on airplanes. As Triller Harms says in answer to whether reasonable modest matters:

It matters for parents trying to raise their kids with a coherent framework around sexuality. It matters for people from different cultural or religious backgrounds who hold to different standards of modesty. And it especially matters for survivors of sexual trauma, for whom unexpected exposure to near-nudity in public spaces can be genuinely destabilizing.

A friend of mine described his encounter with immodesty by saying, “I feel violated.” Let’s be gentle to the people around us.

To My Amish-Like Self:

I get why you put the halter-top days behind you. Those catcalls were unnerving, and your brazen naivety needed tempering. But you overcorrected.

Having just entered physical maturity, you moved quickly from denying the power of your body to fearing it too much. And the fear created its own form of immodesty. Long dresses worn out of context drew attention that, while not sexual, was nonetheless undesired. Why not simply wear conservative clothes within the range of “normal”? Jogging in a long dress may make people think you’re running from the feds.

Consider both health and modesty. You climb trees to chainsaw off branches. You help your husband put shingles on a roof. You camp and cook over fires. None of these things can be done as safely in a long dress. You remember the story of the missionary whose long skirt got caught in the hay bailer. Maybe she’d have escaped injury if she’d been willing to wear overalls.

But given the personal nature of clothing choices, don’t dogmatize what you consider your more moderate position. Women need the space to figure this thing out. Don’t be threatened by the sisters who differ on this issue.

What is Modesty, Really?

The broad definition of modesty is a humble self-regard. This applies to both men and women. It’s not to think less of ourselves so much as to think of ourselves less. It’s to open our awareness to the people around us, and to think in terms of how our physical presentation impacts them. We may not always hit the mark for every person, but it will at least aim us in the right direction.

Let me close with something from this morning’s meditation on Hebrews 12:2:

Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

From the Garden of Eden to Revelation, the scriptures associate shame and nakedness (see Gen 3:7, 3:21, Is 47:3, Ez 16:39 & 23:29, Hos 2:3, Rev 3:18). A friend of mine standing in front of a hotel window in his underwear yanked back the curtain only to realize the window opened to a crowded courtyard. His natural response? Embarrassment, a form of shame. He closed the curtain.

This shame turns out to be a helpful reminder of our fallen condition. Jesus’ tormentors stripped Him before hanging Him high. He despised this and all the other aspects of the Cross, but He endured the shame because we never could. In multitudinous ways our civilization is, thread by thread, unraveling natural shame. This ultimately devalues the Cross. Let’s make sure not to contribute to present evil, at the same time not overreacting to it. Sensible options remain, at least for now.

And most of all, make sure to be clothed in the “fine linen, clean and white” (Rev 19:8) that Jesus freely gives every man, woman, and child.