The Church Hurt We Never Talk About

The term “church hurt” has shot to popularity over the last 10 years, with many resonating with the idea that large religious institutions hold justice- and compassion-defying policies. Ex-church people stand poised to identify the harms perpetrated by traditional rules and values. Podcasters publish shocking stories of abuse carried out by men of the cloth. Crowds cheer as survivors deconstruct their faith, congratulating their courage in speaking truth to power and standing up against the machine. 

The Struggle is Real

I have a toe, or maybe a whole foot, in the church hurt space. About ten years ago I began a ministry addressing church-related sexual abuse called Project Safe Church. (Check it out at ProjectSafeChurch.org.) At times I have unwittingly collided with institutional injustice. Years ago, a church administration banned me from making public appearances in their area. My crime? I had sent them evidence that a newly hired pastor had a history of sexual harassment. I included signed, written statements to that effect. They un-hired the pastor, but then in shoot-the-messenger fashion, issued a ban on me. I was not to appear in any of their churches. Don’t ask me to make it make sense. I can’t. 

A family I’m close to suffered grave church hurt when a camp employee molested one of their children, and the local administration chose to see the perpetrator, not the victim, as the one who needed help and support. The wrongheadedness of the leaders harmed the family far more than the original offense. Engaging in poor abuse response practices becomes reverse evangelism, sending young people out of the church far faster than we can bring them in. It maketh the blood to boil. 

My point is that I acknowledge church hurt. And I feel deeply with all who have suffered it. 

Jesus and the Scientists Acknowledge Church Hurt 

From prophets’ unsparing exposure of idolatrous iniquity among God’s chosen, to Jesus’ denunciation of the religious leaders of His day, to Revelation’s depiction of apostate religion as slobbering beast and debauched prostitute, the Bible rolls like a 66-part documentary on the evils of religion gone bad. 

God knows church hurt. He weeps over Jerusalem and (nearly) vomits over Laodicea. 

And science bears it out, too. A 2023 study claims that one-in-five U.S. adults suffer religious trauma. (https://www.researchgate.net/publication/369327217_Percentage_of_US_Adults_Suffering_from_Religious_Trauma_A_Sociological_Study) Dr. Marlene Winell, who coined the term Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS), noticed that this condition appeared most often in individuals leaving dogmatic, controlling religions. (https://medium.com/the-establishment/the-hidden-trauma-of-life-after-fundamentalism-110946ab05f2) Haven’t we all sustained wounds from some mean-spirited religious leader who clobbered us with a Bible verse, or a board who voted against us because we fell short of their manmade standards? 

Deconstructers regularly blame the church for the exodus of young people. Here are some facts: Americans identifying as Christian has dropped from 78% to 63% in about 20 years, and 46% of young adults 24-34 years old identify as Christian, while 80% of people over 74 do.

(https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2025/02/26/decline-of-christianity-in-the-us-has-slowed-may-have-leveled-off/) The waning popularity of church can’t be blamed on church hurt alone, but it plays a part. 

So there you have it, from story, science, and the scripture itself, reasons not to deny the truth of church hurt. 

But Neither Jesus, nor His Religion, is to Blame

While the popular narrative once shunned toxic religion, increasingly it shuns religion as toxic. 

There is a huge difference between those two things. The first assumes a healthy, holy prototype from which corrupt practice deviates, and the second says the prototype itself is corrupt. 

I come down on the first side. “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world” (James 1:27). The message here, stated so succinctly, is that there is a pure prototype of the Christian religion, and it results in compassion as well as moral rectitude. It’s not only concerned with being right, but also with being kind. In its pure form, religion helps instead of harms. And indeed, most people globally see religion as helpful versus hurtful (https://www.pewresearch.org/global/2025/01/28/what-impact-do-people-around-the-world-think-religion-has-on-their-society/). 

The religion Jesus gave us is not the source of church hurt, the twists and turns of sinful humanity professing that religion, is. 

Power corrupts and absolute power, including religious power, corrupts absolutely. When sinful humans take the religion of Jesus into their own unconsecrated hands, it becomes an agent of harm. 

Those, terrible, sinful humans!! 

All Have Sinned 

But, wait. Aren’t we all sinful? And if we gave free reign to our worst impulses, could we not become as hurtful as the most hurtful church leader? If we use the relatively lesser power we possess to oppress those in our circle of influence, do we not manifest the same spirit? Ironically, scanning my own life experience, the people who complain the most loudly about church hurt are the ones I’ve received the most church hurt from. I think of one person I’ll call Joe who judged me harshly for years. My standards always fell short of his mark. Then Joe deconstructed, denouncing the very standards he’d lorded over me. 

Repent! It’s a Gift 

What’s conspicuously missing in the church hurt discussion is people admitting they caused hurt. Most see themselves as victims versus villains. I wish the most harmful would fess up, don’t you? But maybe we’ll have to start with ourselves, repent deeply of our own sins, and set an example for others.  

Only the Spirit can give this gift (Acts 5:31). 

And, to make this personal, I can think of times I was the legalist, I was the heavy, I was the oppressor. I’ve had to retrace my steps, go back to people harmed, and repair the damage. I was once a vegan-Nazi who would confront my husband about yogurt containers I found in his car as if they were bags of cocaine. We’ve all been oppressors in some realm, if only our own families. (He forgave me.) 

Active Response

I want to leave off with some action steps for victims of religious trauma. I like to be practical and forward-facing because having a response plan helps us feel more powerful and self-possessed.  

On that point, did you know that cognitive behavioralists have identified rumination predicting mental health problems? They call it “regret orientation.” (I’m not pointing this out self-righteously. I have a PhD in wallowing. In fact, I’m sure I’m more skilled at it than you are. So there ☺) 

Have you been gravely injured in church? Here are some steps that may help you regain the lost equilibrium. 

1. Survey the damage. Soberly identify the actual harm done to you, physically, spiritually, emotionally, relationally, reputationally, financially, and psychologically. 

   
   

2. Count yourself in. People who are humble about their own failures have far more grace for others. “If a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). Identify times you’ve partaken of the same spirit as those who’ve harmed you, not to blame the victim but because humility is power. 

   
   

3. Speak up. If appropriate, approach the culprit directly, take another with you, or write a letter clearly stating what they did and how it harmed you. Follow the order laid out in Matthew 18 faithfully. If they repel the truth, it’s on them. 

   
   

4. Manage rumination. Bad experiences can get stuck in mental feedback loops. While some rumination can be helpful, it must be kept from taking over the mind. Try scheduling a time each day during which you can ruminate freely, gently stopping yourself at other times to postpone until the rumination appointment. This establishes a sense of control, while not totally suppressing the urge to process. 

   
   

5. Process with others selectively. We often overshare when emotionally flooded. Some of us develop a reputation for trauma dumping. This can harm relationships and self-worth. It’s a great practice (something, again, I learned the hard way) to share only with select, trusted people, and only with their permission. “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

   
   

6. Forgive. This word does not mean excuse, so let’s not confuse them. You can forgive a murderer and still want him in prison. Consequences help people face the truth. “He who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality” (Colossians 3:25). But in the end, God asks us to forgive. And this we can do, when we trust in the One who suffered more church hurt than any of us. 

Have you been dealing with church hurt? Leave a comment below.