A Gospel Approach to Narcissism

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Dr Craig Malkin, and others produce endless online content about narcissism. They’re experts in how to navigate relationships with narcissistic people.

I want to add to the conversation. I do this more as a student of Scripture and a follower of Jesus than as a clinical authority, though I have educational and clinical cred.

I think the whole conversation needs a reframe.

For many years, narcissism, a.k.a. narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) was one of over 300 diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, or DSM.

Today, thanks to pop culture and media, it is the label one slaps on anyone they don’t like.

The narrative goes something like this:

My _______ (spouse, parent, boss, pastor) is a narcissist. They will always be a narcissist. I must learn to protect myself against their love bombing, manipulation, gaslighting, bullying, and abuse. I will buy the $500 course to be able to do this. This will keep me safe. I will not get hurt anymore.

Let me gently move this narrative from pop psychology to biblical framing.

Reframe 1: Diagnosing Narcissism- The Bible presents human nature as essentially narcissistic. If nature alone determined character, we’d all be diagnosed with NPD. Fortunately, character can exceed nature. The Spirit of God indwells believers, giving them a “new heart” of love and good will (see Romans 8:9, Ezekiel 36:26). Followers of Jesus undergo a lifelong process of sanctification from old sin patterns. Even unbelievers can feel the striving of the Spirit, prompting them to a better course of action. As a result, most humans present a complex mixture of good and bad.

Popular teaching on narcissism leads people to generalize traits into types. A flawed person becomes an evil person, a soul wrestling between good and evil is assumed fully evil. Even the clinical world pushes back against this overdiagnosis of narcissism, as only about 1% of the population has diagnosable NPD. I recently read a purely secular blog titled, “Popular views of narcissism are distorted and too pessimistic.” Check it out here.

A more biblical and rational approach is to acknowledge the narcissism within each one of us along with the good impulses, and to assume most people are similar.

Reframe 2: Forgetting Redemption- Calling someone a narcissist is the ultimate act of “othering.” But according to the Bible, wicked souls can be transformed through repentance and grace. David fell into narcissism leading to adultery and murder but deeply repented. Nebuchadnezzar’s narcissism deranged him to the point of a psychotic break lasting seven years, but God finally broke through (Daniel 4). King Manasseh made the streets of Jerusalem run red with blood under his murderous reign but repented in the end (2 Chronicles 33). Paul the Apostle led in Christian persecution prior to his conversion to Christ (Acts 9). A Christ-centered mindset includes, not only protection from, but prayer for narcissists. The popular view places narcissistic people beyond redemption, as if the diagnoses has the last word. In at least some cases, it doesn’t.

Reframe 3: Self-protection- The subtext of all the teachings on narcissism is self-protection. Yes, we should protect ourselves from narcissists. Sometimes this means quitting a job, ending a friendship, or even divorcing a spouse. Biblical stewardship means caring for our health (Romans 12:1), including emotional health (3 John 1:2).

But ultimately, self-protection as a mindset does not serve us or our relationships well. It can make us suspicious, and, strangely enough, gullible. Hypervigilance exhausts the nervous system. Over-anticipating narcissism can make us under-recognize it. I’ve known too many women who flee from the arms of one bad boy into the arms of another.

And what does it do to our souls to devote large pieces of cognitive real estate to narcissism? Consider this breathtaking paragraph:

It is by beholding that we become changed. By dwelling upon the love of God and our Saviour, by contemplating the perfection of the divine character and claiming the righteousness of Christ as ours by faith, we are to be transformed into the same image. Then let us not gather together all the unpleasant pictures—the iniquities and corruptions and disappointments, the evidences of Satan’s power—to hang in the halls of our memory. Ellen White, Lift Him Up, 251

Narcissism is extreme, pathological selfishness, entitlement, and vanity. A person with NPD believes themselves superior in one or all of life realms such as attractiveness, power, intelligence, or moral goodness. They lack empathy. If that sounds like Satan, it’s because it is. NPD is what happens to humans who resist the Spirit of God, imbibing of the spirit of the other guy. To dwell on narcissists is, in a sense, to dwell upon Satan himself.

Do we want that? Or do we want our headspace filled with the lovely Jesus, who can save all of us would-be narcissists from ourselves? Share your thoughts, please! I'm over here hoping to hear from you.