Eat, My Child: The Cause and Cure of (My) Anorexia

Singer and pop star Ariana Grande seems to be slowly dying of an eating disorder. Her dulcet soprano tones waft a bit higher than her alto counterpart Karen Carpenter, who did die from anorexia (a heart condition caused by it) in 1983. Karen was 32 years old. Ariana is 33. Pray for her. Anorexia causes more fatalities than any other psychological diagnosis; up to 20% percent of sufferers die.(https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/anorexia-death-rate)

Pop Star Ariana Grande

I was almost one of them. 

I developed the condition while still in my teens, restricting down to 95 pounds and staying at that weight for several years (I’m 5’5 1/2). Since I had joined a very diet-conscious religious community at 19, my type of anorexia related more to religion than fashion. The group lived on a farm out in the country, “ten miles from the nearest sin,” and food was the only remaining vice. People stood up during testimony sessions to confess overeating, stealing food, or other food-related infractions. The vibe was, “The less you eat, the more spiritual you are.” 

Desperate to stay on good terms with God, I adopted a restrictive diet that melted me down to skin and bones. My mother insisted I see psychiatrists and dieticians, but I couldn’t hear them above the roar of my unbalanced narrative. So, I stayed fragile and thin. 

Until Michael Schwirzer came along. 

Jennifer & Michael as Newlyweds

The man understood. As a young spiritual seeker, he’d joined a Sikh ashram which practiced severe food restriction, only survivable if one binged on junk food, which most of them did. Not Michael. He went all in, following the diet strictly, and it almost killed him. One day after seeing his guru levitate, he cried, “I have to get out of here!” rented an apartment and immediately collapsed on the floor. Some girl I hope to meet in heaven, sought him out, found him languishing, and fed him chicken broth until he revived. 

Michael, now built back up and healthy, having met Jesus and become an Adventist Christian, met a fragile girl in the aforementioned religious community. That girl was me. He looked past the skin and bones and thinning hair to my soul and decided I was his future wife. Don’t ask me what he saw in a stick figure with extreme ideas. It’s a mystery. 

But he knew just how to help me recover. Step one, marry me anyway. Step two, take me to the mountains to work with him for the US Forest Service. Step three, ask me to carry trees to him on said mountains, cook over a fire, and wash clothes in the creek. That was his plan, and it was physically rigorous. Would it give me courage to eat again? 

Courage to Eat

I say “courage” because it was as hard for me to gain weight as it is for some of us to lose it. The reason is deeply spiritual. As a young Christian wrestling with the guilt and shame of the past, I believed I’d found my righteousness in a program of hunger. I wasn’t worthy of calories, but if I restricted, my unconscious narrative said, I might achieve worthiness. 

Although deeply converted, I lacked an understanding of righteousness by faith. Anorexia became my assurance of salvation. I was not the first to afflict harm in hopes of atoning for my own sins. All world religions have pockets of devotees engaging in self-inflicted suffering and ritual self-harm, from Catholic monks in hair shirts to Muslim chain flagellants. 

While the image of a skeletal young woman should evoke pity, I must confess a deviant motive to it all. Under a guise of dedication to God, I found myself, in a sense, usurping him. We depend upon food for life; I wanted to avoid dependence on anything. What blaspheme! 

This delusion lasted long enough to unravel me physically. A sore appeared on my leg out of nowhere. Whispering this to Michael, he said bluntly, “You’re not eating enough for your body to fight disease.” This was a turning point for me. I started to question my narrative and choices. 

But then I caught a flu during which nothing would stay down for a solid week. My weight descended to 85 pounds. Mom and Dad contacted a doctor I agreed to see, only for him to mistakenly tell them I weighed 58 pounds. The resulting family freakout plus the physical debilitation woke me up to the fanatical delusion I’d been under. I repented deeply for my stubborn extremism, wondering if God could still use me. 

The drama scootched me face to face with the thing I dreaded more than hunger: receiving something I didn’t deserve. For that is essentially what we do when we eat. 

To the death of Christ we owe even this earthly life. The bread we eat is the purchase of His broken body. The water we drink is bought by His spilled blood. Never one, saint or sinner, eats his daily food, but he is nourished by the body and the blood of Christ. The cross of Calvary is stamped on every loaf. It is reflected in every water spring. –Desire of Ages 661

Getting Help for You or a Loved One 

Michael married me despite my issues. He took me in his red pickup truck to Montana where we tree planted. The fresh air, the unconditional love, and the hard work helped me build back about 20 pounds of healthy heft. His love became symbolic of the unfailing love of God. Food became symbolic of the gift of righteousness. I succumbed to the kindness, and, at about 115 pounds, have been fat and happy ever since. I have learned, by hard knocks and painful pilgrimages, to receive with gratitude what I don’t deserve. 

Anorexia is different than other eating disorders such as bulimia or binge eating disorder. Because people with it feel good about their thinness, it is an “ego-syntonic” disorder (“in sync” with the ego). In contrast, people who binge feel embarrassed and ashamed, this making those eating disorders “ego-dystonic.”

The difficulty of helping a person armored in defensive pride can’t be overstated. This may be why so many don’t make it out. But we must give it 100 percent.

Here are some steps to consider in getting help: 

1. Intervene- A formal intervention may be called for. The basic formula involves first gathering a group of concerned friends and relatives. Next, the group hires a therapist or other professional with experience in dealing with life-threatening disorders. This person conducts a few planning sessions with the group, during which they are coached to write letters of love and concern for the person. The group approaches the person, asks to sit with them, reads the letters, and then appeals to the person to enter treatment, which has been planned out ahead of time. Much of the time interventions, if done well, succeed in persuading the person to get help. Reach out to Abide.Network for a free consult to get started finding the right person for you.

   
   

2. Inpatient- The person will typically spend at least 30 days or more in a residential treatment facility designed to renourish the body and rebuild the mind. Food restriction can shrink the brain and until the person recovers physiologically, counseling may not help. Residential treatment offers several benefits: It takes the person out of their trigger-filled environment, allows them space and support to receive help for other mental health issues, gives them access to medical care, and protects them from self-harm. The drawback of a residential program is, of course, the time and financial cost. To start your search, look here https://recovery.com/condition/eating-disorders/ 

   
   

3. Outpatient- Day programs are helpful when the illness isn’t severe enough to warrant residential treatment. They are less disruptive to the person’s life, and offer many of the same benefits as residential treatment. Day programs are also a helpful follow-up to residential treatment, to ease the person back into day-to-day life in their own environment. To find a good day program, search “eating disorder day programs” or “eating disorder outpatient programs” or “eating disorder IOPs” and put in the name of your hometown.

   
   

4. Ongoing- Day programs will provide leads for support groups in the surrounding areas. Some suggestions are: Eating disorders anonymous (https://eatingdisordersanonymous.org/); Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous (https://www.aba12steps.org/) and the Bible-based Celebrate Recovery (https://celebraterecovery.com/)

   
   

5. For immediate help, try this eating disorder hotline: 855-597-1992

I remember Michael handing me food in my anorexia days. I’d refuse it. Now I reflect back on those moments realizing he was God’s hands, reaching out to me, saying, “Eat, my child.” I’m so glad I finally received of His storehouse of goodness. 

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